Was there ever anyone-- either in your elementary or high school class who would always be reluctant to raise their hand? Did you ever meet or personally get to know someone who would always choose to sit by themselves at the lunch table, quietly sinking themselves into what they considered as a good book rather than socializing with a group of friends?
Many times, these "shy" or "quiet" kids at school are ostracized by their classmates and are often viewed as incapable, disconnected, uninterested, unintelligent and sometimes, even snobbish. These kids are also being ignored by their peers and teachers, left only with the heavy feeling of isolation and abnormality. More often than not, these "shy" and "quiet" kids are the opposite from all of these negative stereotypes.
Negative stereotypes such as these are continuously being circulated and further heightened by the media which inaccurately displays and portrays the nature and personalities of those who have a more "quiet" demeanor. As a result of such negative portrayals and stereotypes reinforced by the media, young children learn from an early age that being "extroverted" in this world and in this society is a must. They immediately learn that being "extroverted" is the ideal and often associate being "extroverted" with being more "likable" and "popular". For instance, a majority of the shows airing on television are often about the lives of "extroverted" people and characters which is problematic because this only shows half of the whole picture in regards to the diversity and complexity of human personalities.
As my young 14-year-old self, I used to come home from a long day of school to eat dinner while comfortably watching the Disney hit tv show, "Hannah Montana" starring Miley Cyrus which I now admit was one of my favorite tv shows of all time. I remember how much I couldn't wait for the newest episode whenever it was announced. It was always one of the things that made me excited. However, I never wanted to admit that this was my favorite show because I felt embarrassed for still watching the Disney channel as a teenager. In addition to this, my classmates never made it an easy thing to admit either. While they only viewed me as the as "the girl who didn't talk to anybody and liked to play with dolls and watch the Disney channel", my classmates never really understood the feelings and frustrations that went along with being an "introvert" in an "extroverted" world.
When you are an "introvert", it sometimes feels as though the world has turned against you and I think that's the main reason why I loved watching the Disney channel so much. I admired those who were more "extroverted" and I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be that rock star who could confidently sing to millions of people without getting any stage fright. When you don't meet the "extrovert" ideal or standard, it feels isolating, dark and you just feel lost, cold and scared all the time. If you can imagine walking through a pitch black tunnel or a cave where there is only you and the darkness, it's the same exact feeling. These were my initial feelings. I felt like I was lost and confused. I couldn't find my way out and these burdening feelings would never disappear. They felt eerily haunting almost as if there was some sort of dark cloud over my head. No sunshine. No rays of light. Nothing. Only the presence of silence and darkness; and every once in a while, animal sounds filled in the empty space where the darkness resided. Whenever, I tried to escape and push my way through the small crevices between each rock wall, those small crevices felt like they were becoming even smaller. It left me with a painful, uncomfortable feeling. At the beginning, being an "introvert" was never a great experience. It was always a daunting task to work in groups with my other classmates whenever we had an in-class assignment. It was even more daunting whenever I had to present a speech and whenever I actually had to have a conversation with my classmates. American schools have designed each classroom in ways that are more suitable for "extroverts"-- the desks facing toward each other to encourage group work rather than independent studying, all of the in-class presentations and debates, etc. All of this was too stimulating for my mind to soak in.
[New stimulation occurs] Still processing... please wait... [another stimulation occurs] processing...your software will be downloaded in a moment...
I'm sorry. Your software has failed to download. Please try again later.
My mind failed at downloading the codes to my real identity because I kept downloading a bunch of unnecessary, foreign software that came from other people. I kept listening and taking in what everyone else was telling me of who I should be-- that I should be more "talkative" and "outgoing"-- the "extroverted" personality rather than listening to my body, mind, heart and soul. When you don't listen to your own self, this is when the CPU starts to go haywire and that's where things get the most dangerous. Eventually, I started thinking that I was "quiet", "shy", "boring" and "incapable of talking". Later, I became all of these things. At first, I was accepting and content with being these things because I thought they were all accurate descriptions of who I was as a person. However, I later realized during my second year of college that I had created my own destructive, stereotype that was programmed to discriminate and annihilate my own identity; and from there, I knew that I needed a way out of this. That is how I came across my university's student counseling center which was very shocking and uncomfortable at first. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest every step that I took down the long, narrow hallway to the office. After making inside the office, I walked up to the sign-in desk and went speechless...um...um...only silence...After about 5 minutes of waiting, I met with one of the counselor's who asked me about my personal background in order to get to know me better. Family? Friends? School? Thoughts? It felt as though there was no end. At that moment, I for the first time, understood what it was like to be interrogated by someone although I knew she was trying to help me to accept myself.
That was one of the moments that I think helped in my transformation from a caterpillar to a monarch butterfly. It was one of those moments that you never want to experience again. The feeling like you've been caught or arrested and find yourself sitting in jail, feeling guilty about what you've done and never wanting to repeat the same thing over again. It's sort of like the feelings that one experiences as they grieve about the death of their loved one-- the stages of grief. There was a sense of loss and all the baggage that came along with it-- all the emotions, the feelings and all the tears that you just can't hold back even as hard as you try to conceal them. Soon enough, there comes a point where all of this baggage can no longer be lifted and needs to be removed and for me, that baggage was the fact that I wasn't being accepting of myself. I was desperately searching for my way home.
Home, to me, doesn't only mean a literal house with a bunch of rooms and a family living in it, but I also see home as a metaphor for finding one's niche and purpose in life as well as finding and re-defining one's identity. Home is a maternal safe zone. It's a comfort zone where you can personalize and customize your own self-identity. It's where you can choose all the paint colors and choose which furniture you want to put inside of it. You have total control of the entire project. For me, "home" is that space where I can be the most creative without anyone telling me what I can and cannot do; and how I should do it. "Home" is the place where I can live in my imagination and in my fantasy world while also still living in the present moment-- in reality. "Home" is where I can become the character and write the story that I would want to read.
I have now realized that it's okay to be an "introvert" and it makes life even more exciting and colorful. In addition to this, there are many perks to being an "introvert" which many people don't know about. Just remember, that you are the only author of your story and that no one can write it for you. You just have to learn how to trust yourself and have faith in your abilities-- whether you want to become a writer or a physician or even both. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses and then when you do, you need to work on your weaknesses and sharpen your strengths. At the end of the day, that's what will help you to find your "home".
When you are an "introvert", it sometimes feels as though the world has turned against you and I think that's the main reason why I loved watching the Disney channel so much. I admired those who were more "extroverted" and I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be that rock star who could confidently sing to millions of people without getting any stage fright. When you don't meet the "extrovert" ideal or standard, it feels isolating, dark and you just feel lost, cold and scared all the time. If you can imagine walking through a pitch black tunnel or a cave where there is only you and the darkness, it's the same exact feeling. These were my initial feelings. I felt like I was lost and confused. I couldn't find my way out and these burdening feelings would never disappear. They felt eerily haunting almost as if there was some sort of dark cloud over my head. No sunshine. No rays of light. Nothing. Only the presence of silence and darkness; and every once in a while, animal sounds filled in the empty space where the darkness resided. Whenever, I tried to escape and push my way through the small crevices between each rock wall, those small crevices felt like they were becoming even smaller. It left me with a painful, uncomfortable feeling. At the beginning, being an "introvert" was never a great experience. It was always a daunting task to work in groups with my other classmates whenever we had an in-class assignment. It was even more daunting whenever I had to present a speech and whenever I actually had to have a conversation with my classmates. American schools have designed each classroom in ways that are more suitable for "extroverts"-- the desks facing toward each other to encourage group work rather than independent studying, all of the in-class presentations and debates, etc. All of this was too stimulating for my mind to soak in.
[New stimulation occurs] Still processing... please wait... [another stimulation occurs] processing...your software will be downloaded in a moment...
I'm sorry. Your software has failed to download. Please try again later.
My mind failed at downloading the codes to my real identity because I kept downloading a bunch of unnecessary, foreign software that came from other people. I kept listening and taking in what everyone else was telling me of who I should be-- that I should be more "talkative" and "outgoing"-- the "extroverted" personality rather than listening to my body, mind, heart and soul. When you don't listen to your own self, this is when the CPU starts to go haywire and that's where things get the most dangerous. Eventually, I started thinking that I was "quiet", "shy", "boring" and "incapable of talking". Later, I became all of these things. At first, I was accepting and content with being these things because I thought they were all accurate descriptions of who I was as a person. However, I later realized during my second year of college that I had created my own destructive, stereotype that was programmed to discriminate and annihilate my own identity; and from there, I knew that I needed a way out of this. That is how I came across my university's student counseling center which was very shocking and uncomfortable at first. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest every step that I took down the long, narrow hallway to the office. After making inside the office, I walked up to the sign-in desk and went speechless...um...um...only silence...After about 5 minutes of waiting, I met with one of the counselor's who asked me about my personal background in order to get to know me better. Family? Friends? School? Thoughts? It felt as though there was no end. At that moment, I for the first time, understood what it was like to be interrogated by someone although I knew she was trying to help me to accept myself.
That was one of the moments that I think helped in my transformation from a caterpillar to a monarch butterfly. It was one of those moments that you never want to experience again. The feeling like you've been caught or arrested and find yourself sitting in jail, feeling guilty about what you've done and never wanting to repeat the same thing over again. It's sort of like the feelings that one experiences as they grieve about the death of their loved one-- the stages of grief. There was a sense of loss and all the baggage that came along with it-- all the emotions, the feelings and all the tears that you just can't hold back even as hard as you try to conceal them. Soon enough, there comes a point where all of this baggage can no longer be lifted and needs to be removed and for me, that baggage was the fact that I wasn't being accepting of myself. I was desperately searching for my way home.
Home, to me, doesn't only mean a literal house with a bunch of rooms and a family living in it, but I also see home as a metaphor for finding one's niche and purpose in life as well as finding and re-defining one's identity. Home is a maternal safe zone. It's a comfort zone where you can personalize and customize your own self-identity. It's where you can choose all the paint colors and choose which furniture you want to put inside of it. You have total control of the entire project. For me, "home" is that space where I can be the most creative without anyone telling me what I can and cannot do; and how I should do it. "Home" is the place where I can live in my imagination and in my fantasy world while also still living in the present moment-- in reality. "Home" is where I can become the character and write the story that I would want to read.
I have now realized that it's okay to be an "introvert" and it makes life even more exciting and colorful. In addition to this, there are many perks to being an "introvert" which many people don't know about. Just remember, that you are the only author of your story and that no one can write it for you. You just have to learn how to trust yourself and have faith in your abilities-- whether you want to become a writer or a physician or even both. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses and then when you do, you need to work on your weaknesses and sharpen your strengths. At the end of the day, that's what will help you to find your "home".
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